Unchildren's Stories
(what I used to write in my spare time)
The Gruntled Egg
Once there was an egg and, like most aquatic eggs, it was floating down the river. Unfortunately, this was not an aquatic egg and it promptly sank to the bottom of the river and drowned.
Later that same time unit, a fish happened upon the scene and, as fish are want to do, it was munching pebbles when it spotted a particularly smooth one. “My, that pebble looks particularly smooth,” it thought, whereupon it swam down and gobble it up.
It was at this point that the egg realized it had not drowned at all, but had simply been egregiously disgruntled and it decided to burrow up into the fish’s brain, where it became very gruntled indeed.
And that is why I do not like to eat stupid fish or disgruntled eggs.
Edgar the Bouncing Ball
Once there was a ball. It was a happy ball and it liked to bounce around to and fro all day long. And its name was Edgar.
One day, Edgar was bouncing about as it usually did when it came upon a cave. It was a very small cave, so Edgar bounced in and started bouncing off the walls and ceiling and having a grand time. It had bounced around for quite a while when, at the back of the cave, Edgar found another ball lodged in snugly.
“Why are you so sad,” asked Edgar (since the other, being a very dark and sullen ball, assumed it was sad).
“Because my name’s Edgar,” answered the other ball. “See, it’s written right here on my side.”
It was at that moment that someone lit the cannon and dispersed the Edgars away into the ether.
The Monkey and the Volcano
Once upon a daylight savings hour, there was this chimpanzee and it was climbing a very tall mountain. And at the top of the mountain he found a hole and jumped in.
. . . And as he was falling, the chimpanzee felt it getting warmer and the air becoming stuffier until it noticed a large pool of lava down below, where it died. And the volcano laughed a deep, throaty laugh appropriate for a volcano.
So the monkey, who was a friend of the chimpanzee, was following a ways behind and saw the chimpanzee jump in and, once it got to the top, asked the volcano, “Why did you let my friend jump in?”
And the volcano said, “Because I’m a volcano.”
The monkey, becoming annoyed, decided to storm off. Just then, the ground began to rumble, and the sky to darken, and the earth to stop spinning and — since the monkey thought that gravity had to do with the earth’s rotation and not with its mass — flew off into space. And the volcano laughed.
Then the earth began spinning again and, since it was a very localized event, nobody else seemed to notice.
The Marxist Dog
There was a Marxist dog, and it was a very angry dog. It had a long mustache and long shaggy hair.
One day, the dog was walking through a field when it spotted a bird. The dog asked, “Are you a Marxist?” And the bird replied, “No. I prefer lenin myself.”
And then the dog got very angry and it ate the bird. But the bird was angry, too, and it pecked its way out of the dog’s side. And as the dog lay wounded in the field, the bird proclaimed, “Hah! I am the symbol of that stuff that pecks away at Marxism from the inside and then flies away free!” The dog realized the truth of this and repented his Marxist ways and floated up to heaven.
Up in heaven, later that same day, the dog awoke and found himself surround by many, many birds. “What’s all this?” the dog asked incredulously.
“Fool!” said the bird god, “You repented to me and now you’re stuck here with us forever!” Annoyed, the dog ate the bird god (for it was a wee little thing).
Suddenly, the dog woke up, and realized that it had never really been a Marxist at all, because dogs don’t belong in politics.
The Carnivorous Muffin
Once there was a carnivorous muffin. And since it was a small muffin, people would eat it whole; but that was their mistake. For soon after the baker would give them a poisoned doughnut and they would die and the muffin would eat them all up.
Soon the muffin grew so large that you couldn’t swallow it whole, but people still tried and then the baker didn’t even have to give them a poison doughnut.
Then, one day, the baker was feeling hungry and happened to eat a poisoned doughnut and died. The end.